By Gili Malinsky
By Bob Ruggiero
By Hilary Hughes
By Peter Gerstenzang
By David R. Adler
By Devon Maloney
By Brian McManus
By Jessica Hopper
The ignoble demise of Tower Records.
Funeral bouquets of plastic flowers will be manufactured for a dime apiece and retail at $18.99.
Cathartic Band Breakup
The drug-addled demise of the Darkness.
Contrary to prior belief, one cannot snort cocaine ironically.
Transcendent Concert Experience
Randy Newman singing "Short People" at Carnegie Hall and joking that he planned to shoot up during the intermission.
A performance so jarring and splendid the entire audience was rendered immortal.
Rancorous Public Feud
The notion that someone paid thousands of dollars for a ticket just so he could heckle Barbra Streisand.
The Internet's abysmal failure to produce a halfway-decent Blood Brothers song title generator.
Just rig a fill-in-the-blanks form combining naive childlike whimsy with unimaginable violence, e.g., "You're the Dream Unicorn" or "Set Fire to the Face on Fire." (Gonna be hard to beat "Huge Gold AK-47" though.)