Stuff You Need to Know This Week in Order to Avoid Ostracism

  Economic Indicator
The ignoble demise of Tower Records.
Funeral bouquets of plastic flowers will be manufactured for a dime apiece and retail at $18.99.

Cathartic Band Breakup
The drug-addled demise of the Darkness.
Contrary to prior belief, one cannot snort cocaine ironically.

TV Party
Randy Newman singing "Political Science" on The Colbert Report.
A satirical meeting of the minds so cataclysmically sarcastic the entire studio audience was rendered sterile.

photo: Shout Factory

Transcendent Concert Experience
Randy Newman singing "Short People" at Carnegie Hall and joking that he planned to shoot up during the intermission.
A performance so jarring and splendid the entire audience was rendered immortal.

Rancorous Public Feud
The notion that someone paid thousands of dollars for a ticket just so he could heckle Barbra Streisand.
Oddly comforting.

Technological Marvel
The Internet's abysmal failure to produce a halfway-decent Blood Brothers song title generator.
Just rig a fill-in-the-blanks form combining naive childlike whimsy with unimaginable violence, e.g., "You're the Dream Unicorn" or "Set Fire to the Face on Fire." (Gonna be hard to beat "Huge Gold AK-47" though.)

Internet Distraction
The way Rick James says "What you got against Shawwwwwn Cassidy?" in the "Battle of the Album Covers" video.
Better impression than Dave Chapelle.


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