Tatiana Suarez
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Rick Ross and 50 Cent may be pushing the boundaries of multimedia rap beef, but they're just riffing on the tried and true strategy of insulting members of a rival emcee's family. Here, a primer on who to target, and select examples showing how to lyrically pulverize someone's dear auntie.
Mother: The classic. If originality is less important than impact, immediately attack the woman from whose tainted womb your opponent sprung. Angles are endless: sexual humiliation, appearance, physical harm, the emotional damage that shanking her child will cause. ("Cut out your momma's ovaries," Kool G Rap, "3 to the Dome"; "Stake your house out/Know what your momma cook/Fuck her with a broom," Sheek Louch, "D-Block"; "Here's a jimmy joke about your momma that you might not like/Heard she was a 'Frisco dyke," Snoop Dogg, "Fuck Wit Dre Day"; "Ya' mama's got a peg leg with a kickstand," the Pharcyde, "Ya Mama"; "Your moms call me Frankie Sanchez/On deck with penis out/Pine tar like Tony Pérez," Kool Keith as Dr. Dooom, "I Run Rap.")
Father: Considering the number of single-parent households, there's a reasonable chance that insulting someone's father will garner a response of "Yeah, I don't like that dickhead, either." But when in doubt, call him gay. ("Your daddy is a queer," Central Coast Clique, "Gangsta Shit"; "Your daddy likes to cuddle and touch too much," Ice-T, "Always Wanted to Be a Ho"; "Your father dress in drag/Stick out his chest and brag how he molest a fag," Tony Touch, "The Foundation"; "Your pops is a politician," Del tha Funkee Homosapien, "Followers.")
Grandmother: Going after the family matriarch is unorthodox, but it illustrates a penchant for "mature" sex and a sociopathic zeal for cruelty against the helpless—of course, the latter is preferable. ("I bet you even got a baldheaded-ass granny," Willie D, "Bald Headed Hoes"; "I'll pimp your momma, your sister/And I'll even take G.P./That's 'granny panties,' " D-Nice, "Pimp of the Year"; "Dick in the dirt/Shit in your drawers/I'll make your grandmother get on the floor," Jadakiss, "Show Discipline.")
Great-Great-Grandmother: Pointless. ("I got my feet up on your momma Mabel's/Mother's mother's mother's three-generation table," Abstract Rude, "Feet Upon the Table.")
Son: As long as your hated foe has actually sired a male child, this one is sure to inspire fury and hilarious hand-wringing from onlookers. ("Run up in your cribbo and suffocate your son with a pillow," Big Pun, "Who Is a Thug"; "You got rats and roaches and your kids have got the mumps," J-Dee, "Ain't Got No Class"; "My nigga Gutta fuckin' kidnap kids/Fuck 'em in they ass, throw 'em over the bridge," Notorious B.I.G., "What's Beef?")
Daughter: Just as effective as slurring a son, except with rad sexual abuse! ("If you got a daughter older than 15/I'm-a rape her," DMX, "X Is Coming"; "Throw your daughter in the air/Hope that bitch break her leg/Be nice and help her up/And kick her dead in the head," Ganksta NIP, "Psycho"; "Lickin' on your daughter/Say, south of the border," C.L. Smooth, "For Pete's Sake.")
Baby: It's less personal than insulting a young child with a name and a personality, but threatening a pamper-swathed tot surely shows a respectable degree of depravity and remorselessness. ("Your baby's crying—pop, pop, pop—I put some in the crib," Beanie Sigel, "What a Thug About"; "Put six in the clip/Put it up that clit/And watch that baby's brains drip out that fetus," Brotha Lynch Hung, "Return of Da Baby Killa"; "Back-smack you so hard all your seeds will be born deformed," Holocaust, "Silkworm.")
Brother: Excellent for inflaming familial vengeance imbroglios. If you don't know the tale of how Joab killed Abner to avenge his hermano in Samuel 3:27, it makes a great belly tat. ("Kidnap your family/Make your brother eat your mother out," Cam'ron, "357"; "I'm on some other shit . . . duct-tape your brother shit," B.G. "Bounce with Me"; "Garbage bag around your brother's head/Smother him out," J Hood, "Don't Mean Nuthin'. ")
Sister: Everyone's sister has probably had sex—this just drives the terrible truth home. ("Now everybody in the world know that your sister is a nasty little girl," Pimp C, "Something Good"; "I reminisce/I miss playing Twister with your sister," Kool G. Rap, "Keep it Swingin' "; "I heard your sister had sex with Colin Powell," Humpty Hump, "The Odd Couple"; "Your sister just got married/I'll shoot up her reception," B.G., "Gun Slinger.")
Aunt: Inventive, but it honestly sounds like you're just throwing shit at the wall. ("I was drinking Asti Spumoni with your auntie," Tha Alkaholiks, "Bottoms Up"; "I fuck you, your mama, your auntie, and your lady," Kurupt, "New York, New York"; "We both saw your mama get beat down by your pops/And saw your auntie get freaked down by your pops," Paradise, "Hoochies Need Love Too.")
Uncle: Maybe you could hurt General Petraeus's feelings? ("Tax-free/I ain't giving shit to Uncle Sam," Young Jeezy, "What They Want.")
Cousin: No one cares. ("I'm bustin' your sister and your pregnant-ass cousin," Bloods & Crips, "Steady Dippin'.")
