I spent most of last Wednesday in court due to the restraining order Lil’ Kim slapped on me, so I missed most of the Grammy pregame action. As for the show itself, I still can’t decide whether my favorite moment was when O.D.B. rushed the stage and busted a cap in Celine Dion’s cracker ass, or when Madonna’s kabbalah teacher won a lifetime achievement award for his contribution to the arts. (And speaking of the Fujiyama material mama, have you ever seen a cesarean scar that toned and trim?)
But seriously, the only award show I respect is the one they show from Monte Carlo, cuz you never know when you’ll see Ace of Base and Princess Stephanie and all those British boy bands doing the chicken dance together. Just in case you’re interested, though, here’s my Grammy recap:
Biggest Winner: The blind guy who wasn’t blinded by Celine’s fake tan. Biggest Loser: All the stars of soon-to-fail CBS sitcoms outed in their seats. Least Embarrassing Performance Featuring a String Section: Alanis Morissette.
Best Case for the Jazz Is Dead Theory: The Marsalis All-Star Tribute to the Duke. (No, not John Wayne.) Best Case for the Gospel Is Dead Theory: Kirk Franklin’s All-Star Bono jam.
Best Sunday School Lesson in a Tank Top: Lauryn Hill, who also wins my “Best Effort by a World-Renowned Artist To Make Grammy Voters Forget They Ever Voted for Her Before by Giving Her Solo Effort a Best New Artist Award” Award.
Least Likely To Escape Without Madonna Raping Him: Corazon-throb Ricky Martin. Tinky Winky Award for Self-Disclosure: Rosie O’Donnell saying, “Everyone digs chicks.”
And best of all, Best S&M Juice Newton Impression: Shania Twain, paving the way for punk comedy trio the Dixie Chicks. Who claimed they’ve heard male country vocal performances we couldn’t even imagine.