Knight Knight

When you're young and stupid, it's kind of fun to pump your shotgun and take dead aim at barrel-dwelling fish or the sides of barns, because sociopaths love easy targets, and pretty much all dumb kids are sociopathic, right? And then you grow up and develop empathy and start to realize that you actually like people, more or less. And maybe, with the benefit of experience or whatever, you also start to realize that when the project you're working on isn't good, it's really easy to quit. In fact, people suck at anything they do the first or second time, so actually finishing your painting or your novel or your not-terribly-good film is really brave. This is not sarcasm. Knight Knight, a medieval farce by first-time feature director Christina Bucher, is a big, fat, easy target: Two trainee knights, Gilbert (David Wayman) and Edgar (Tom Eykelhof), unemployed after the never-explained death of their squire, take jobs at the underpopulated castle of King Vincent of Essex (Nick Von Schlippe). Tasked with guarding the room in which Vincent has imprisoned Princess Katrina (played by Bucher), they're forced to effect a rescue. And there's no gentle way to put this: It's a poorly scripted muddle of painfully drawn-out and unfunny scenes performed by amateur actors with the broadness of the skits on Sabado Gigante. But it's well-intentioned, shot in an actual castle, and it's finished. How's that novel in your Documents folder coming along? Making fun of such an inoffensive, amateurish production would be easy and mean, like punching a baby, and what, are we perezhilton.com all up in here?

 
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39 comments
PhilColdiron
PhilColdiron

@gemko Was really expecting google to lead me to a 19-year-old intern instead of someone who could be that 19-year-old intern's dad.

LCosgrove
LCosgrove

@gemko "Hi guys. I don't have anything to say about this bad movie. I never wanted to be a critic anyway. I wanted to be... a lumberjack!"

nictate
nictate

@gemko That *is* useful for serving as a single-serving sample of Things That Piss Me Off in What Passes for Professional Writing Lately.

Chris Packham
Chris Packham

 @lily.janiak Well, you're just a puddin' cup. Thanks for the kind words. A lot of people in the comments misunderstood my point. I think the perception is that I was refusing to criticize "Knight Knight," despite the fact that I did, and pretty negatively. I was trying to make a distinction between being critical and being a deliberately hurtful douchebag. Halfway through the film, I realized that making fun of it would be like mocking a child's stupid macaroni art or something. I want to be honest -- even devastatingly honest -- but I don't want to be a bully. 

 

I reviewed a terrible film in the same issue called "The Revenant," and made no attempt at kindness toward its creators because the valence of the film was overwhelmingly mean-spirited and reactionary. I felt that it was deliberately punching down at poor people and ethnic minorities in the name of entertainment. The point being that I don't think anybody can accuse me of being a dancing monkey. No offense intended toward cute monkeys, particularly the ones dressed up like little bellhops. 

Glenn__Kenny
Glenn__Kenny

@LCosgrove @gemko It's kinda cute. Like The Very Nice Person's Variation of Dave Eggers' "Please Don't Be A Critic" appeal!

gemko
gemko

@LCosgrove I took a slightly similar tack re: the most inept film I've ever seen, but I was still, y'know, critical. http://t.co/QmuWzRW5

LCosgrove
LCosgrove

@Glenn__Kenny @gemko I'm suddenly reminded of Tom Tomorrow's Blinky the Very Nice Dog...

vjmfilms
vjmfilms

@gemko @LCosgrove "ahead" of JUST ANOTHER GIRL ON THE IRT ... cmon bud, really?

LCosgrove
LCosgrove

@gemko Why did I know the title of that movie even before I clicked on the link. Why.

vrizov
vrizov

@gemko @LCosgrove I don't really want to get into this, but if you look up his LinkedIn it might explain a few things...

vjmfilms
vjmfilms

@LCosgrove Cheadle's charisma (saw it with DC audience, to be fair) sells it ... I wouldn't make great claims but not awful @gemko @samcmac

samcmac
samcmac

@vjmfilms @gemko @lcosgrove I thought it was basically decent at the time. Cheadle was getting some sorta deserved buzz early in the year.

LCosgrove
LCosgrove

@vjmfilms @gemko @samcmac It's a nice, tidy, boring movie made by someone who maybe needed to prove that she could make nice, tidy & boring.

vjmfilms
vjmfilms

@gemko not as great as EVE'S BAYOU but nothing shameful either @LCosgrove @samcmac

samcmac
samcmac

@LCosgrove @gemko @vjmfilms "Where'd you go, Kasi Lemmons?" Adapting L Hughes w/ Sam L. & Angela Bassett, apparently: http://t.co/MoK2u3nN

LCosgrove
LCosgrove

@simonsaybrams @samcmac @vjmfilms @gemko This time you've gone too far! I toldja! I toldja! I toldja! I toldjaaaaa!

vjmfilms
vjmfilms

@gemko Sunrise, Tabu, Nosferatu, The Last Laugh, City Girl #NotTough @samcmac @lcosgrove

LCosgrove
LCosgrove

@gemko @samcmac @vjmfilms I did. It was lousy. THE CAVEMAN'S VALENTINE wasn't all that great either, but at least it had a fucking pulse.

gemko
gemko

@LCosgrove @samcmac @vjmfilms You didn't see her Don Cheadle DJ picture, I take it? Not so great.

simonsaybrams
simonsaybrams

@LCosgrove @samcmac @vjmfilms @gemko I HAVE BEEN RESEARCHKNG HGL FOR TOO LONG, STEVE. I KNOW TOO MUCH.

gemko
gemko

@samcmac @vjmfilms @lcosgrove It's been 20 years so my boredom is not so fresh in memory.

LCosgrove
LCosgrove

@simonsaybrams @samcmac @vjmfilms @gemko You wish you're wrong? Hey look, your wish came true! :-)

samcmac
samcmac

@gemko @vjmfilms @lcosgrove 'Daughters' at least competent but so much more tedious. Second in that double feature; was already a bit vexed.

LCosgrove
LCosgrove

@samcmac @gemko @vjmfilms That film is pretty good. You should see it. (Where did you go, Kasi Lemmons.)

simonsaybrams
simonsaybrams

@LCosgrove @samcmac @vjmfilms @gemko I wish.

samcmac
samcmac

@gemko @vjmfilms @lcosgrove Admittedly not many options. Most pathetic thing? i watched these 2 still having yet to see "Eve's Bayou."

gemko
gemko

@samcmac @vjmfilms @lcosgrove (Not that I'd lump DAUGHTERS OF THE DUST alongside IRT. Didn't love it but it's competent, ambitious.)

gemko
gemko

@samcmac @vjmfilms @lcosgrove Oh, okay. If I had to compile a list of Important Films by Directors Over 6'10" Tall I'd get desperate too.

LCosgrove
LCosgrove

@simonsaybrams @samcmac @vjmfilms @gemko We did. And you're still wrong.

simonsaybrams
simonsaybrams

@LCosgrove @samcmac @vjmfilms @gemko ...I feel like we've had this discussion, Mr. Carlson.

LCosgrove
LCosgrove

@simonsaybrams @samcmac @vjmfilms @gemko Except BLOOD FEAST is fun, yo.

samcmac
samcmac

@gemko @vjmfilms @lcosgrove it was on a list of 'important films by black women' with this little gem: http://t.co/bKoP6v4g

simonsaybrams
simonsaybrams

@LCosgrove @samcmac @vjmfilms @gemko Just like BLOOD FEAST!

gemko
gemko

@samcmac @vjmfilms @lcosgrove It's terrible (not as bad as STAND-IN though). And totally forgotten. Stunned anyone would stump 4 it today.

LCosgrove
LCosgrove

@samcmac @vjmfilms @gemko SWEET SWEETBACK is important, too. That doesn't make it good, or even mostly competent.

samcmac
samcmac

@vjmfilms @gemko @lcosgrove 'IRT' is so bad. watched that because i was informed, hopefully erroneously, that it's an 'important' 90s movie.

LCosgrove
LCosgrove

@gemko My brain finds room to keep reviews I read years ago but can't seem to let me remember to bring my water bottle to work every day.

gemko
gemko

@LCosgrove Why *did* you? I was unaware that anybody else had ever heard of it.

 

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