The Bat's Blown Chunks

Never say die unless you pronounce it like the Germans do

Ozzy Osbourne believes aging is optional.

Propped up in public by the best sustenance pharmacy provides, Osbourne assumes the guise of a vigorous man. Made a celebrity for being a shaking wretch on TV, Osbourne now has the gall to pretend otherwise, speaking of ambushing a robber and making available a commemorative box set in his spare time.

It's recommended that the collection be pushed into a slit latrine and covered with lime. Prince of Darkness contains live renditions and demos of ho-hum heavy metal "classics" and cover versions (examples: "All the Young Dudes," "For What It's Worth") that only those who received copies for promotion needed to hear.

All those young'uns on the Hot Topic Second Stage don't have undies half this good.
photo: Guzman
All those young'uns on the Hot Topic Second Stage don't have undies half this good.

What's called for instead is a CD of Ozzy truth, call it Die Fledermaus. Translated as "The Bat," Osbourne's fictitious CD would open with "Harsh Solution," a diatribe at being manacled at the Alamo for drunk-in-public urination. ZZ Top-esque is the lyric: "How could those coppers be so unkind to arrest me for weeing while blind."

The head goth's music is autobiographical. "You Won't Be Coming Home" deals with the more than twice-told tales of Osbourne's attacks on his wife while demented from drugs and strong drink. The centerpiece of the CD is the title cut, a mini-rock opera. Beginning with "No More Tears, Sad Dove," Osbourne sings about the unreasonable hysteria following his first famous solo career event. "Die Bat!" continues, recounting the misery that resulted after the singer bit the dead head off one of those things, too. The mini-opera closes with "Killer Injection," a metal bolero of misery on the abdominal inoculations one gets for rabies after eating unprepared fledermaus. All appropriate for playing spot-the-walker, wheelchair, and oxygen on the sides of the stage at Ozzfest.


Ozzy Osbourne plays Ozzfest at the PNC Bank Arts Center July 26 and 27.

 
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